Merry Christmas, Time For Some New Theme Music
I may be a goat-burning heathen, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like Christmas. C’mon, you’re just some kinda jerk if you don’t like Christmas. Yeah, I don’t believe in Santa and I don’t believe in Jesus…what’s the point, right? Well if that’s what it takes to get people to be DECENT to each other, even if only for a month or so, I’m all for it. I’ve never personally put up Christmas lights (and probably never will), but I think it’s a neat tradition. And who doesn’t like presents? It’s not on the top of my list, but Christmas is A-OK in my book. The book I carry around in which I rate holidays…
But it’s not perfect, either. Yes, it’s -35° outside, but look where I live! My main gripe about Christmas is the GODDAMN MUSIC.
I can’t STAND Christmas music! Am I the ONLY one on the planet? Beginning December 1st, at least one local radio station will play nothing but. It’s in EVERY department store, EVERY office, EVERY household, and my city even blasts it over loudspeakers downtown! It’s inescapable, and you know what? It’s not any good. Is everybody in such a good mood around the holidays that they’ve reduced themselves to tolerating this bullshit?
How many Christmas songs can you name off the top of your head? I’m going to guess around ten. Well, that’s what gets played, only performed by about 3,000 different artists. Okay, fine. They’re “classics”, but what the hell is there to sing about? There is a total of three themes every Christmas song is based around. I DEFY you to find a Christmas song that has nothing to say about at least one of the following:
• Snow/wintertime
• Santa Claus
• Jesus
That’s it? Halloween has just as many icons as Christmas, why aren’t there Halloween songs? The only holiday that’s worse than Christmas about this is July 4th, which has…yeah, three songs, but I don’t have to listen to them for a MONTH. They get played for 30 minutes during the fireworks because everybody knows it’s all the same goddamn thing, then we don’t listen to those songs again until next year. When is the ball going to get rolling on the Christmas music? While opening presents, ONE song about Santa, ONE song about Jesus, ONE song about how shitty the weather is. DONE. Stash that terrible CD until next year.
Hey, while I’m on the subject, my friends know that I have a “holy trinity”, if you will, of favorite bands comprised of Weezer, Thrice, and Bad Religion. They’re the “holy trinity” because I cannot number them. I love them all equally. Well, I also have a…ummm “unholy trinity”, I guess, of bands that I hate. I cannot number them because I cannot listen to them long enough to discover which one I hate the most. That list? Insane Clown Posse, The Ramones,
…can you guess the third?
Mannheim Steamroller. Sure, I hate Christmas music, but I will tolerate it in small doses. However, if I hear that FUCKING Mannheim Steamroller version of “Deck the Halls”, I either stop the source, or if that’s not possible, GET AWAY from the offending source. I normally don’t even explain why I’ve just stopped my friend’s parents’ CD player, or why I’ve just dropped what I’m purchasing and left the department store. I can’t describe it, but that song makes me want to claw the nearest throat out.
So, what’s the point? A plea:
Dear Christmas,
Please get rid of your crappy music.
December 8th, 2005 at 1:17 am
I thought your holly trinity was : Beer, poon…
December 8th, 2005 at 1:28 am
I’ve already developed an immunity to Christmas music. I’m always humming to my own tune. Not loudly, of course. I don’t wanna look like an idiot.
December 8th, 2005 at 11:41 am
Come on now Scrooge, tell us how you really feel!
December 8th, 2005 at 9:29 pm
Mele Kalikimaka
There you go, a Christmas song without the three themes.
December 9th, 2005 at 5:21 pm
And the 12 Days of Christmas? 12 drummer drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a-leapin’, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milkin, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
No Jesus, no Santa, and no snow.
December 9th, 2005 at 5:23 pm
…fuck you guys.
Oh, and Nick, Mele Kalikimaka KINDA covers the first theme, but it’s more like Hawaii bragging about how their Christmas weather ISN’T hell on earth.
December 9th, 2005 at 11:35 pm
I defecate on your defiance.
December 20th, 2005 at 10:39 pm
What does A-Ok correspond to in your book? Is that like a 7 out of 10 or what?
December 20th, 2005 at 10:43 pm
You’re right though, it has gotten way out of hand, maybe I just notice it more working in a grocery store but every time I hear some dumbass pseudo-holiday-cheer-winter-imagery shit it makes me believe that there is a santa claus and a God, and I have to stop both of them.
December 21st, 2005 at 7:17 pm
Chris gets my annual award for “Best Commenter” that I just now decided to award.
Annually.