Hummer Owners Are Assholes, Example #72,608
I’m not claiming to be original, but FUH2 had nothing to do with my decision to begin showing my distaste for Hummers TO Hummers. Of course, I’m not one to flip people off, in fact I think it’s stupid, so I adopted the thumbs-down for its relative harmlessness. I’ve been thumbs-downing Hummers for well over a year now without incident.
So yesterday, I’m running Amanda to her house and a Hummer stops at a stop sign perpendicular to the direction we were headed. It’s reflex now; I smashed the button to roll the window down and stuck my thumb out, paused, then thrust it downward in a grand, triumphant motion. I don’t even think I missed a word of our conversation. Amanda’s house was only about 2 more blocks away, and seconds afterwards we were parked in front. We were discussing our plans for the rest of the day when I saw the Hummer in the rear view mirror, and I turned to thumbs-down the same vehicle again, following it while it passed. Content, I returned to our conversation. About 15 seconds later, the Hummer passed by in the opposite direction and stopped outside of my car. The window rolled down and a pissed off yuppie yelled “HEY!” and signalled for me to roll my window down. Amanda’s eyes got HUGE, but she smiled as I turned to roll down my window.
Me: Yeah?
Asshole: What was that little gesture you had for me back there?
Me: *Puts thumb out window, pointing down* Oh this? This is a thumbs down.
Asshole: *Looks at me like I just murdered god* Yeah? OH YEAH? So what’s the problem?!
Me: Oh, nothing personal, I just don’t like your car.
Asshole: *GUFFAW*!! Yeah, well what’s your favorite band?
Me: *Can see where he’s going…he’s going to say my favorite band sucks!* Look man, I don’t have a problem. I just don’t like Hummers.
Asshole: Well this is America! It’s my right to drive any car I want!
Me: Right, and it’s my right to show my disapproval. I didn’t attack you. Relax.
Asshole: Okay, so what’s the problem with Hummers?
Me: Geez, let’s see: They’re totally unnecessary, they’re the biggest gas guzzlers on the r-
Asshole: OH I GET IT, SO YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE ‘SAVE THE EARTH’ TYPES, HUH? *Points at my car, a modest Elantra* So because you choose to drive this, you’re somehow better than me?
At this point I could have easily gone for the lowest common denominator and went straight to the small penis argument, but decided this guy was being adolescent enough for the both of us. Oh, this guy was probably in his late 40’s I’ll add.
Me: Whoa whoa whoa, I’m not a “save the earth” type. All cars consume gas, man. Yours is just a little…I don’t know, excessive.
Asshole: EXCESSIVE? I WORK for an OIL COMPANY!!!
I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant to prove by that statement, except maybe that he drives a Hummer for job security?
Me: Uhhh…yeah, EXCESSIVE. For example, I almost guarantee that thing has never left the city limits.
Asshole: UHHH FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I own a RANCH in SARATOGA!!!! Why do you think I got a FOUR WHEEL DRIVE?!
Me: Dude, there are a LOT of four wheel drive vehicles…
(Pretty sure many of them could handle the rugged terrain of his flatland ranch, as well.)
Asshole: Well when you go around flipping people the bird, that is a direct assault on th-
Me: Hey, I did NOT flip you off. That would be an attack. I’m just showing you my disapproval.
Asshole: Well when you go around making statements like that, you-
Me: Oh, so driving a Hummer isn’t a statement? What do you have to prove with that thing? You’re basically just showing off that you can afford it, man. It’s total overkill. Hummers are ridiculous, unsafe, un-
Asshole: UNSAFE?
Me: Well not for YOU. If we collided, I’m PRETTY sure you’d be okay, because you’re driving a fucking tank. Your BUMPERS are about EYE LEVEL to me. We will not hit bumpers.
Asshole: Oh, so you go around reading consumer reports, then, huh?
Me: I’ve read quite a bit about Hummers…
Asshole: Yeah?! I’d like to see these “reports”
Me: …okay.
He then tried to appeal to my emotions, shifted gears, and tried to make me feel guilty for making him sound like an asshole, when he’s really a super guy!
Asshole: *Sputters a bit, unsure of what to say* Pff…B-…Th-…How old are you?!
Me: 24.
Asshole: Okay, tough guy, how about taking that energy and putting it into something positive for a change? Instead of harassing people for no reason?
Me: Well, actually I just told you my reasons, but…
Asshole: Look, I have a FRIEND. IN A WHEELCHAIR. Who is DYING OF CANCER.
Me: …
Asshole: …and as his last dying wish, we are TAKING him to CONCERTS!! ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
Me: *Totally unsure where this is going*
Asshole: HOW ABOUT!!!! INSTEAD OF ATTACKING ME!!! OVER MY CHOICE OF CAR!!!!! YOU DO SOMETHING POSITIVE!!!!!!
I really didn’t want or mean to laugh, but this guy was flying off the handle SO bad, I literally couldn’t help myself. I mean, I’m sure this guy leads a very stressful life, driving his Hummer to concerts funded by his silo of money; this was probably the most worked up he had ever been in his life. He seriously looked like he was going to blow a capillary.
Me: Haha, okay…?
Asshole: Look - Next time you see me? You flash me your little thumbs down again.
A THREAT?! From this rich fuck?! Hahahahaha! The only thing he is taking away from our little argument is a cute story he and his doctor friends can chortle over at the fucking country club. Yes, rich fucks are incapable of laughing. They chortle.
Me: *Sarcastic salute* Will do, man. Have a good one!
Asshole: *FLOORS it, and careens off in his death machine, leaving a thick, republican cloud of noxious fumes*
I turned to Amanda to finish our conversation, but she only sat with wide eyes, both hands covering her open mouth.
Me: Haha, are you okay?
Amanda: I thought that guy was gonna kick your ass!!
Me: THAT guy? Pff…
We then made dinner plans and I went to the arcade in order to clear my mind while I came up with something “productive” to do for a change. Here’s what I came up with:
HOW ABOUT!!! INSTEAD OF DRIVING A HUMMER!!!!! YOU PURCHASE A DECENT FUCKING CAR!!!! AND TAKE THE TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH YOU’LL BE SAVING IN GASOLINE!!!!! AND DONATE IT TO CANCER RESEARCH!!!!!!!
September 2nd, 2006 at 7:40 pm
Too bad you didn’t think of that last comment while he was still there.
And of course, you’re totally right, Hummers are a statement unto themselves that say, “I’m rich and I don’t give a fuck about the environment, about the future or anything except the crap I can buy with my money.”
Oh and a Hummer says “I voted for Bush”
September 3rd, 2006 at 10:34 am
Hahaha. Duuuuuuuuude, next time you see him, flash him. Better yet, have Amanda flash him. I don’t know what that would prove, but it sure can’t be misconstrued as aggressive.
Alright, yeah, that was dumb.
September 3rd, 2006 at 11:37 am
Bill, I don’t know where all your pent up rage comes from towards them poor people that drive Hummers, but it has got to stop. Don’t you know theyre just trying to get by with what they have.
September 3rd, 2006 at 10:49 pm
Like the guy driving a Hummer, I have a friend with cancer. His dying wish is that everyone who drives a Hummer gets cancer.
September 3rd, 2006 at 11:30 pm
I never knew Bill cared so emphatically about cancer research. It’s a great cause, and it’s crazy to think that so many people that own Hummers (I can’t believe I capitalized that,) would rather flex their dicks or so many cunts would ride about town, showing off their money and how much money they have to pay for gas, than to help any cause, and it’s really quite dis-heartening. Fuck them assholes.