Hopefully His Legacy Will Not Carry On…
I have been fascinated with Kent “Dr. Dino” Hovind since I discovered him several years ago. Well, fascinated in the same way I am fascinated with any crackpot; he’s no less entertaining than the guy at the bus station with the aluminum foil hat, pants around his ankles, waiting for extra terrestrials to contact him on the station’s payphone.
Why the fascination? If you aren’t familiar with Dr. Dino (I sincerely hope very few are), let me briefly explain who he is.
Kent Hovind is a young-earth creationist (my favorite), whose sole purpose in life is to convert the entire world to his own skewed version of “science”-based Christianity, through speaking events, sideshow-caliber “scientific” “debates” (not sure how much real science is proven or disproven through debates, but whatever…), and his own Dinosaur Adventure Land tourist attraction, a theme park of sorts where kids can come to learn bad science, like how people and dinosaurs lived together a mere few thousand years ago, look at fossilized crayons (I’m not making this up) and discover the evils of evolutionary theory. He honestly believes evolutionary theory is directly responsible for communism, Marxism, RACISM (…because there was no racism before the late 1800’s? What?), and Nazism (by falsely claiming that Hitler was an atheist. Gott Mit Uns, Kent. Gott Mit Uns).
As an aside, let me quickly demonstrate this most basic of logical fallacies with a theory of my own devising, supported by a graph of my own design:
Oh, he gets crazier, if you can believe it, as his later seminars COMPLETELY lose focus and reduce to New World Order conspiracy-theory quackery. Needless to say, he is so full of shit even other young earth creationists are steering clear of this guy and his teachings. Still, he managed to strike a chord with the densest and most hopeless of the fundamentalists and has amassed a small following.
His “credentials” are mostly, well, non-existent. For example his “Ph.D” was acquired from a non-accredited Christian correspondence “college” (wow, you need to use a lot of quotations when you’re talking about “Dr.” Dino) which was, at the time, run out of a basement of a quiet suburban home that hands out “degrees” to basically anybody that has a couple months, can afford the $25/month tuition fees, and can pump out about a hundred page dissertation (postgraduate-level writing optional). Strangely, unlike any doctoral thesis written for an accredited university, this dissertation is not publicly available. I read an academic review of his paper and apparently it reads like a high school book report. He claims to have taught high school science for several years, but conveniently leaves out the “…at a Christian school” part. I’m sure “science class” at a Baptist high school is a little bit like “recess” at a public school, and judging from his concept of science, these poor, misled kids were leaving his class dumber than when they started.
In plain English, the Hovind theory sounds ridiculous. I’ve watched hours upon hours of his video seminars (which are absolutely infuriating by the way, but I’m strangely compelled to watch them). I’m pretty familiar with it. Let me briefly explain: “Dr.” Dino believes that only a couple thousand years ago, the Earth was surrounded by a protective barrier of ice crystals above the atmosphere. This “canopy theory” has been adopted by many of the most deluded creationists to try and scientifically explain a good portion of Genesis, probably the least scientific literature ever conceived. I’ve read about the impossibility of the canopy theory, such as the instability of an actual barrier of ice surrounding the globe, as well as what would actually happen if this amount of ice were suddenly commanded to fall onto Earth (it wouldn’t rain for 40 days and nights, the planet would basically be pressure cooked). Now, normally, any creationist would argue that God™ can do whatever the fuck he wants and “physics” don’t apply when we’re talking about his power. Either that, or Noah’s Ark with all its dinosaur passengers was a floating fucking fortress. Regardless, God™ surrounded the earth with this ice canopy to protect Earth’s inhabitant’s from harmful UV rays (why he didn’t just NOT make the sun produce UV rays is anybody’s guess). This protective barrier also increased the quality of the air, so people (and animals) grew to biblical (get it?) proportions! This also “explains” how people lived to be several hundred years in the fantasy world of Genesis. Do you see where this is going? All the reptiles we know and love today USED to be dinosaurs! When the canopy fell, the richness of the oxygen was decreased, so the people and animals shrank back down to normal size over the years (hmm…evolution?). I’m pretty sure that if all it took to create a Jurassic Park was to put a couple geckos in an oxygen tank, somebody PROBABLY would have cashed in on that by now. I’m not exactly sure how this part of his theory works, but apparently SOME dinosaurs did not shrink, and are responsible for the “sea monster” sightings of today (yes, Dinosaur Adventure Land teaches children that sea monsters are real). Of course, the resulting flooding also created the continental shelves, the oceans, and yeah, the Grand Canyon “in about fifteen minutes”. Somewhere in this whole mess, an “ice meteor” struck Earth, and umm…static electricity created the ice caps. Frozen standing mammoths, the geologic column is entirely made up, trigonometry can’t be used to determine distance, yadda yadda yadda…It’s a fucking mess. Not surprisingly, this theory is NOT compiled in written form…anywhere, not even on his own website, but you can piece it together after submitting yourself to the torture of watching his seminars. He skips around so much, invididual parts of his theory sound…mildly plausible, if you weren’t really listening, but if it were all pieced together into a formal written paper, it would read like the screenplay of the worst science fiction movie ever.
His theory is nothing new; it’s basically an amalgamation of half-baked Creation Science theories from which even other Creation Scientists have distanced themselves, since they have all been refuted and discredited for years. He supports his theory with a bunch of unrelated, long discredited scientific inaccuracies, non-sequiturs, age-old creationist arguments, by misrepresenting the opposing view, spouting his own misinformation/misunderstanding of science (he once challenged ANYBODY to prove that Carbon 14 actually exists, and once claimed that scientists “don’t know what light is”…), and just plain making shit up. Answers in Genesis, the web’s foremost…uhh…authority on faith-based pseudoscience even hosts a page entitled “Arguments We Think Creationists Should NOT Use”. This page may as well be a transcript of one of “Dr.” Hovind’s seminars.
The real problem with “Dr.” Kent is that by appearing scientific, less-discriminating listeners may actually start to believe his claims. Fortunately, I don’t think he has ever seriously converted anybody, as he’s generally preaching to the choir (almost literally), but it’s truly saddening to watch him squeeze that laaaast little bit of objective, critical thinking from his audiences’ collective brain. He’s a smooth spokesperson, and does an incredible job of creating the illusion that his theories are backed by real science, while somehow managing to make REAL science sound…uhh, not backed…by science. Unfortunately, creation “science” itself is fundamentally flawed. The true scientific method should LEAD you to a conclusion with predictable and duplicatable results. Creation “scientists” are doing the exact opposite. They already have their conclusion, and are working backwards, struggling to conceive theories outlandish enough to force the evidence to fit this conclusion. Unfortunately for creationism, the evidence simply does not point to their pre-conceived answer. The other problem is that their “theory” is structured in such a manner that if one little piece of the puzzle doesn’t fit, the entire theory collapses. The evolutionary theory is a scientific theory, and as such, expands and self-corrects as new evidence is discovered and new branches of evolutionary science are founded. Oddly enough, no single part of evolutionary theory has ever been revised or amended as a result of creation science “research”. It’s been said a million times, but creationism is not science. It’s faith. Leave it a matter of faith and leave the science to the scientists.
But I digress. There is plenty of material out there debunking creation science and, specifically, Kent Hovind’s claims. Just wanted to throw in my two cents. But why the post? Oh, only the sweetest punchline ever:
Kent Hovind has been in and out of trouble with the law for years, especially concerning the IRS, but his tiny little world finally imploded on him back on November 4th. It’s all a part of his New World Order quackery that he refuses to pay taxes, but he justifies it to himself (and in court!!!) by claiming that his possessions are God™’s, not his, so why should HE be forced to pay taxes on them?! This is hilarious because in every single one of his seminars he proudly claims “I don’t mind the teaching of evolution, as long as MY tax dollars aren’t being used to do it”.
YOU DON’T PAY TAXES, YOU FUCK! RAOMFALMRAORFMALRMOARMLFMOAFMLAFOAMFLOL
From the Pensacola News Journal:
A federal jury has convicted Kent Hovind and his wife, Jo, of tax fraud.
Hovind faces a maximum of 288 years in prison. His wife faces up to 225 years. Her charges include aiding and abetting her husband with 44 counts of evading bank-reporting requirements.
In closing arguments this morning, Alan Richey, Kent Hovind’s defense attorney, said the Pensacola evangelist was never notified by the IRS that he was violating a specific law by not withholding and paying employment taxes on workers at the Dinosaur Adventure Land and Creative Science Evangelism, both of which he founded and operates.
Hovind also believes that as workers of God, he and all employees of the theme park and his ministry are exempt from paying taxes.
Assistant U.S. Attorney Michelle Heldmyer said the case was not about religion but about paying taxes.
In her closing argument, she said that Kent Hovind was advised and told numerous times by the court, an attorney and even a member of the Pensacola Christian College that he must pay taxes.
Kent Hovind is charged with 58 federal counts, including failure to pay $845,000 in employee-related taxes and withholdings.
If found guilty, he faces a maximum of 288 years in prison. His wife, Jo Hovind, faces up to 225 years. Her charges include aiding and abetting her husband with 44 counts of evading bank-reporting requirements.
Defense lawyers for the Hovinds rested their case on Wednesday without presenting evidence or calling witnesses.
288 years?!! That prison sentence is like…1/20 the age of the earth!!!11!1! Too bad we don’t have that ice canopy to enrich the prison’s oxygen so you could Methuselah your way out of it! Oh Dr. Dino, you stupid bastard, I love you.
November 15th, 2006 at 11:11 am
“That prison sentence is like…1/20 the age of the earth!!!11!1!”
Hahahahahahahahahahaha
Awesome read.
November 17th, 2006 at 12:52 am
Dude, I’m using that graph for a paper I’m writing for my Fred Phelps school of hate application. It’s called “The Earth is Only Eighteen Years Old, All Fags are Gay, and Pokemon causes AIDS.” I cited you for reference as an expert in recombinant DNA research/Creationist/Graph maker for time cubism specialist.