Energy Drink Review: Monster Assault
You probably don’t need me to tell you, but Potpourri Windex tastes awful. I wouldn’t consider myself an authority on the subject, but I have sufficient first-hand experience to feel confident that if you tried Potpourri Windex yourself, you would agree with me.
Monster Energy’s Assault tastes exactly like Potpourri Windex. Using first-year algebraic logic, we can conclude that you do not want to try Monster Assault:
If Potpourri Windex tastes awful, and Monster Assault tastes like Potpourri Windex, then Monster Assault tastes awful.
Additionally, Assault doesn’t have an aftertaste so much as an “after-irritation”, much like breathing through your mouth in a room in which somebody has just unloaded a can of Lysol. With all the parallels to cleaning and sanitizing products my brain was drawing, my body was not feeling “energized” or my thirst “quenched” so much as feeling “poisoned”.
Consume at your own risk.
May 29th, 2007 at 10:06 pm
But how can I not consume it? It’s got an edgy urban camo background, a different font per word and what appears to be some sort of claw mark…or the roman numeral for three. What other drinks can I down that are so blatantly marketed to my “x-treme” 16-25 year-old demographic?
May 29th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
I’ve tried normal Monster only once. I swear it tasted EXACTLY like Children’s Grape-flavored Chewable Tylenol only in liquid form. I think that actually marks the last time I threw up specifically because of the taste of something I consumed.
So yeah, I believe your review. That’s plenty for me.
May 29th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
I thought it was a claw mark in the shape of an M, not a roman numeral 3? I could be wrong. For someone that despises energy drink, it’s refreshing to know how many you’ve bought, consumed, and consequently hated.
May 29th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Funny you should mention. It actually discusses its own camo coloring on the back of the can:
“At Monster, we don’t get too hung up on politics. We’re not for “the War”, against “the War,” or any war for that matter. We put the “camo” pattern on our new Monster Assault can because we think it looks cool. Plus it helps fire us up to fight the big multi-national companies who dominate the beverage business.”
So underground!
It’s what I do.
May 30th, 2007 at 7:09 am
And that’s why we love you. I’m not sure who “we” is, but we do.
June 1st, 2007 at 11:43 am
I love the transitive property though. I’m back online bitch.
June 1st, 2007 at 3:42 pm
And the skies opened, and a thunderous crash was heard, and all was right with the world.
June 1st, 2007 at 3:49 pm
FINALLY Chris will stop hanging out with me now that he can play Gears of War again.
June 1st, 2007 at 11:04 pm
I HATE that we’re at the tail end of the “X-TR3m3″ 16 - 25 demographic. Oh, and Bill, Gears of War has nothing to do with why I don’t hang out with you, it’s your personality.
June 1st, 2007 at 11:05 pm
And your looks.
June 1st, 2007 at 11:59 pm
I will NEVER be at the end of the 16-25 demographic. I’m still fledgling to grow a mohawk. I will never be a “real” adult. Mostly because you can look around at all the old fuckers having no fun and not drinking energy drinks, so they can stay up fucking and doing drugs all night! 16-25 my ass! Woo Party!
June 2nd, 2007 at 12:45 am
Fledgling?
June 2nd, 2007 at 9:07 am
To be inexperienced or at the beginning of something. Christ. Get a dictionary installed in your stuck in the past 1.0 brain. Loser.
June 2nd, 2007 at 2:02 pm
I know what fledgling is, and you used it as a VERB! Stay the hell away from my daughter.
June 2nd, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Bill, this isn’t an English class…back to the schnaked lady pictures.