Oh, huh. Dane Cook is a Douchebag
I always knew Dane Cook was a substandard comedian, and I was aware he totally schmoozes his audience/fans to revolting levels, but I had no idea he was also a total dumbass as well. I won’t get into Dane Cook’s performance style much, because he is heavily criticized elsewhere (normally by his comedian peers). If your memory needs refreshing (his fifteen minutes have dragged a little bit), Dane Cook is the comedian without jokes. He’s more like the loudmouth at the party that gets laughs by overacting his boring, pointless stories. Every single one of my friends is funnier than Dane Cook, but they don’t have cool enough jeans to be as successful. Yes, he has sold a bajillion albums, but it’s only because there’s a bajillion high school girls on this planet.
Anyway, I came across this clip (from a special that is probably nearly a year old now) in which he discusses a (clearly fictional) encounter with an atheist. Dane sinks to new lows, and for the entire clip I was having flashbacks from the horrible Christian comedians I’ve seen on Godtube and Bananas, while he fishes for brownie points by really stickin’ it to those dumb rational thinkers! At the “punchline”, his idiot audience ERUPTS in hysterical laughter. He gets a standing ovation!
“PRINT THE BIBLE ON HIM!! ROAMFARMOAMRLARMOAFMLAMFOAMFL FUNNIEST BORING STORY EVAR!!!!”
To be fair, the atheist he creates for his story is a bit of a prick, so of course his apparently entirely Catholic audience is going to gobble the bullshit up when Dane serves him a steaming hot plate of irony! Seriously, does any atheist give a fuck if somebody says “God Bless You” when you sneeze? Gimme a break. If you’re aware god doesn’t exist and get annoyed when somebody harmlessly tells you “God bless you”, you’re just being a dick, and you shouldn’t be allowed to use the fun “god” phrases like “God dammit”, “God fucking dammit” and “Jesus titty-fucking Christ”. Personally, these phrases are too goddamn useful to just get rid of. I’ll keep my fun god phrases in exchange for being blessed every once in a while.
Sad that for every ONE great comedian out there, there are a hundred overexposed, overratted, unfunny Dane Cooks, Larry the Cable Guys & Carlos Mencias.
Oh, and Dane: It would be “condescendingly.” C’mon.
September 8th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
wow ALLmost six minutes of that and for an aweful punchline sorry i cant watch it again Glitter is on i got to go
September 8th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Jesus titty fucking christ… I don’t think Dane Cook is in the same category as Larry the Cable Guy and Carlos Mencia. He’s capable of being a douche at times, but sometimes he’s a funny douche. This joke is fine, it’s just kind of douche-ish. Plus, he steals material from Louis C.K., so it’s probably not even his joke. And can’t we let the moral majority have at least one semi-funny comedian? If we only give them the TBN “Bananas” comics, they’ll all come to their senses and become liberal and then we won’t have anyone to mock.
September 8th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
Oh and my jeans are totally cooler than Dane Cooks. They have embroidered butterflies and sequins down the seams, I’ve just never worn them because they’re technically “women’s underwear”, whatever the hell that means.
September 9th, 2007 at 12:13 am
Okay, that was unfair of me to compare Dane Cook to Larry the Cable Guy and Carlos Mencia, and I apologize.
Oh, and this “joke” isn’t fine, because it’s not a joke. It’s a lame made-up story that should have taken about 30 seconds to tell. That he stretches out to 6 minutes with his over-the-top lame-ass theatrics.
September 9th, 2007 at 2:33 am
I was always partial to “Don’t put words in god’s mouth”, whenever someone would god-bless me. I’m glad catholic church teaches its followers to be so spiteful. I wonder if atheist guy hopes that there is a sign on the pearly gates that reads “No Dane Cooks allowed”.
I saw The Bronx play twice today (once with Ghostface Killah). They are easily the best punk rock band since Black Flag.
September 9th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
My response to “God bless you” is “Mm.” No, not like I just sampled a tasty dessert. It’s just the most generic and neutral response I can come up with to acknowledge that somebody has said something to me.
Use it whenever you don’t really have a response to a statement, but don’t want to sound like you’re ignoring that person, because they’re probably going to repeat themselves until you respond. Some examples:
“Whoa, I think I need to change my underwear.”
“Oh, I know where I know you from! I work at the porn shop you go to on Tuesdays.”
“Cool, Sharpie just introduced 8 new colors into their product line!”
September 11th, 2007 at 3:31 am
Man i LOVE that you have the same disgust for all the things i also cant stand. When i saw Dane Cook post on here…man, so relieved you cant stand him either. You’re always dead on with everything you post btw. he is NOT funny, he IS only a loudmouth and 21 year olds who date those P-A-R-T-Y guys find him hilarious. i god damn hate Dane Cook, i’ll listen to that video tomorrow at work, no speakers right now but…i cant wait.
September 12th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
I just watched it. i can write dane cook material it goes a lil something…like this
Hows everyone doing! aaaaaaalright! who wants to hear a story about a blow job! FUCK YEAH! mwahmwahmwahmwah (some annoying laugh he would do)
THEN! the joke is…he tells a story about a blow job…and i have no talent and I CAME UP WITH THAT!
yeah man i hate him, i’m also glad that even before he was huge, and i use to see him on those comedy specials years ago that no one watches, i even hated him back then. if you dont understand that, i would compare it to everyone who didn’t vote for the war in iraq…their conscious is clean…i feel the same way about never liking that cock tease…
September 24th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Hey man I totally agree with you now. I used to think Dane Cook was a funny guy along with Carlos Mencia, who btw most other comics call Carlos Menstealya and whose real name, Ned Holmes, isn’t even remotely Mexican sounding sounds more like a bad porn stars name. Anyway I’m not sure if you watch it or not but Dane Cook was on Last Comic Standing, during which he had absolutely nothing original or funny to say, and they showed him backstage with the two finalists Lavelle Crawford who is yet another in a long list of fuckin-a hilarious fat men and John Reep. You could definately tell he was like “You guys are such fucking losers don’t fucking talk to me” I definately lost all respect in him after that. Plus you really can’t listen to his shit more than once without wanting to smash whatever it’s playing on.
September 28th, 2007 at 2:41 am
Also, remember that if you say anything in German you sound like a Nazi! GESUNDHEIT! *salute*
What a cuntrag.
September 28th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Well, all Germans are Nazis. Duh.