Moving Woes or Why I Love My Bed
Who would have thought that the “Get your shit from point A to point B” industry was such a racket? My last day of work is Wednesday, and I won’t last long without an income. I’ll need to get out to Portland and employed as soon as possible so that I don’t completely drain my savings. I’m not bringing much; my computer, my video games/systems, my musical instruments, skateboard, camera, books and clothes (in order of priority), but I was REALLY hoping to devise a way to bring my bed. Let me explain why my bed is so important to me.
My entire life I have slept on substandard beds. For reasons unknown to me, through the majority of my childhood I had a waterbed. It wasn’t just me, either. Every member of the household had a waterbed. I guess waterbeds were cool in the late 70’s through 80’s if you were a total womanizing sex machine, but I wasn’t getting much action in the late 80’s due to several factors (beyond my control), one of which being that I was 7 years old. That sex-on-waterbed shit is all waterbed manufacturer hype/propaganda, anyway. I tried to come up with a clever comment on the topic, but this random post I just discovered on the internet put it best:
“I do not like waterbeds. I never liked waterbeds. Having sex on a waterbed is like trying to surf the wrong direction.”
My waterbed met its fate shortly after I graduated high school during a Resident Evil session on Gamecube in which a beanbag I had placed on top of the heater pad melted through the rubber mattress. Honestly I was a little relieved, aside from destroying everything in the drawers underneath, because waterbeds fucking suck. The next day I went and purchased the cheapest, smallest mattress I could find. Here’s some mattress-buying advice: Never buy the cheapest, smallest mattress you can find. I was stuck with this curse of a mattress for like five years, and I blame it for everything from my beer gut to losing skateboard tricks to Bush being re-elected. I replaced it just a couple months ago with a relatively expensive mattress and have been kicking myself ever since for not having done it sooner. Never sell yourself short on your bed. I don’t think I can do any non-sleeping activities on my bed such as read or watch movies anymore because I will invariably fall asleep. It also makes sleeping in through the first couple hours of work soooo much easier. It’s truly amazing.
Not surprisingly, I would like my bed to join me in Portland, but it appears as though it will not be possible. This is where we get into the “get your shit from point A to point B” racket. Renting a trailer from U-Haul is cheap, but presents two problems. First of all, I drive a little compact car and I would have to get a hitch installed. I was under the impression it was possible to RENT a hitch/trailer combo in which the hitch would be removed from your vehicle when you returned the trailer, but this doesn’t seem to be the case. I sure as hell don’t want a hitch permanently attached to my car. That’s almost as bad as those goddamn chrome scrotums. Secondly, the wind resistance would probably end up costing me a fortune in gas. My other option was to rent a truck and have a friend follow me in my car. A truck would allow me to bring along a couple extra pieces of furniture such as my computer desk and entertainment center as well. That idea was shot down pretty quickly — you know what it costs to rent the smallest possible U-Haul truck? SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY-THREE DOLLARS! Are you fucking kidding me? I’m pretty sure at that price I could air-mail all my belongings to Portland and have them hand-delivered to my new apartment by my favorite celebrities.
There’s a great idea for a start-up, you entrepreneurial types.
So the bed doesn’t make the trip with me. :indifferent: Looks like I’m back to square one in the comfort department as I’ll probably end up purchasing a cheap futon upon my arrival. Or maybe in my valiant effort to remain single for a while I’ll pick me up one of those waterbeds I keep hearing about.
September 29th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
The cool thing about humping in a waterbed is that you’ll keep going for about 40 seconds after you’re actually done. Also, if you time it just right, you only have to thrust every other time and the waterbed picks up the slack. I bet you’re really glad I post on here and your mother reads this.
September 29th, 2007 at 10:41 pm
There is a sign for a free bed down the street from me, would you like me to check it out?
September 29th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
You have an uncle in the moving business. Let him know you have a mattress you’d like delivered if he’s going to Portland any time in the near future!
September 30th, 2007 at 12:02 am
Oh, Christ. Brilliant idea, mom. Can’t believe that didn’t occur to me.
September 30th, 2007 at 12:04 am
Chuck: Nah, I like sleeping with my own dust mites. Other peoples’ dust mites creep me out.
Chris: I quit reading after “the cool thing about humping on a waterbed…” because I knew that whatever followed would be lies. Lies!
September 30th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
You don’t remember that time we watched Shaun of the Dead in your room and had a few Red Stripes and… William, what of the sweet words you spoke?
October 1st, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Aw, christ, Bill did the Red Stripe/Shaun Of The Dead thing with you too? I thought I was the only one…
What of those sweet words Bill? What of those sweet words?
October 1st, 2007 at 3:52 pm
All of my friends get the Red Stripe/Shaun of the Dead treatment.