Public Transportation is Magical
It didn’t take long to figure out that driving to and from work every day clear across town is going to cost me a fortune in fuel, so today I decided to see if the train would be a better option for me. Well it works out great, but that’s not what made the trip magical for me today.
When I hit the downtown area (about halfway into my trip), a homeless guy got on, but not just any homeless guy; this guy is extra special. This is actually the third time I’ve run into him on the Max, and every time I see him he does the exact same thing: With a look like he has no idea where he is or what’s going on, he stumbles onto the train, plops down in a seat, rests his face on the back of the seat in front of him and basically passes out, breathing heavily. When he wakes up, he just gets off at the next stop, regardless of where it is. Let me briefly describe this guy to provide some context: He’s always wearing one of those puffy ski jackets that was popular in the early 90’s, old high tops, complete with protruding toes, and is technically wearing pants as they’re juuuust clinging together well enough to stay on his body and cover what the law requires you to cover. Oh, and he smells like he’s been dead for a while. He made quite a stink (so to speak) when he got on today, even forcing several people to “politely” move to another area of the car. I was one of the brave few that stood my ground, and the smell was so bad my brain apparently skipped the gag reflex entirely — I instead found the situation hilarious. After an agonizing 15 minutes or more, a jarring turn stirred him from his slumber. It took him a while, but he figured out how to get off the train, and several stops later his stench got off as well.
On the return trip, I sat down in one of two available double seats to discover the seat right next to me was occupied by a bottle of piss. I marveled at the skill required to fill an empty water bottle with urine on a moving train while avoiding detection, then moved to the other available double seat. My brief game of musical chairs caught the attention of a little girl, resulting in her discovery of the bottle. This apparently also immediately followed her discovery of the word “cooter”, and this is the conversation that was repeated for the ENTIRE (hour long) train ride home:
Little Girl: Mom. Mom. Mom.
Girl’s Mom: What?
Little Girl: Is that pee?
Girl’s Mom: I don’t know. Don’t touch it.
Little Girl: *Reaches for bottle*
Girl’s Mom: *Slaps her hand* Don’t touch it!
Little Girl: Mom. Mom. Mom.
Girl’s Mom: WHAT??
Little Girl: Cooter.
Girl’s Mom: Stop saying that! This is the LAST time I’m telling you.
[Return to top of conversation, continue for one hour]
At every stop somebody, ecstatic to actually find an unoccupied seat, would allllmost get into sitting position, spot the bottle, make a face and move. That alone would have been enough entertainment for the entire trip, but on top of this the cooter/piss bottle argument had escalated to the point of tears, and you don’t know what funny is until you’ve heard a crying six-year-old girl sob “cooter” just to see how far she can push her mom before she snaps.
With entertainment like this every day, I don’t understand why anybody drives.
October 30th, 2007 at 1:16 am
cooter yeah thats a funny word
October 30th, 2007 at 8:42 am
i love how you are having all these “experiences”, such as public transportation, which are normal to any big city, but you are finally having the chance to experience them because you left that black hole known as Casper. don’t get me wrong, I love home, i really do…it’s just interseting to me because I see this shit every day (the stuff you are seeing) and eventually it becomes the “norm” and not much will effect you anymore. I saw two bums fucking under an overpass about a month ago in 90 degree weather…that…that was something I had never seen before. that was amazing…i’m glad to hear you are enjoying yourself there. and keep riding the public transit. that is where you see people at their finest
October 30th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
whos howard
October 30th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
howard only listens to the highest quality public transportation gothic.
October 30th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
does this name fit me better? ring a bell now?
October 30th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
hey were you just taking a shit busted
October 30th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
BUSTed!!!
October 30th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Oh, I saw my buddy on the train again today. Only today he could actually stand. I seriously want to buy that guy a pair of pants. It’s ridiculous.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:09 am
in reading your blog again i remembered a story about “stench” on the train. First, have you ever been to a nursing home? if so, you know the smell of piss mixed with shit, and dying people? Well this bum smelled exactly like that. The train was packed, except for one car. It literally was empty except for one guy (the bum). I decided to get on, and it was at that moment I found out why the car was empty. It smelled like the guy had shat and pissed himself, slept in it, puked, and drowned in his own vomit. The next stop couldn’t come fast enough…i switched cars, and in the next car everyone was talking about the bum and his smell. Which was also weird, because no one talks to anyone on the trains here.
October 31st, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Nobody talks on the trains here, either, but it’s because EVERYBODY owns an iPod. Actually, there’s plenty of conversation on the way back from the bars on the weekends, but it’s retarded drunk conversation.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:14 am
Happy November 1st!
November 1st, 2007 at 9:47 am
yeah I was going to say late night Friday and Saturday, or after a sporting events here you get a lot of chatter. but it’s all drunk fucks
November 1st, 2007 at 10:57 am
Yeah, around here if you get people on the bus, they don’t talk, and you ride on the bus around the city, and people stink.
Here in the big city. There are trains and busses, and people don’t talk to each other when they are on them. And if you look at someone they look back, but they don’t talk. Here in the city. In the big city there is transportation. If you pay for it and get on it in the city it takes you around the city, and in the city other people do the same thing. In the city. But if they are drunk in the big city, they might talk to you, but that’s because they’re in the city.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:37 pm
no really whos howard