Hey, Gang! Let’s Ruin Another Franchise!

All, Blog Entries January 18th, 2008

There’s a Myspace exclusive trailer up for the Day of the Dead remake, if by “remake” they mean “has the same title.” Everybody knows I goddamn hated the 2004 remake of Dawn and though this is done by a completely different team, it looks like a heaping pile of the same bullshit. Oh, plus Nick Cannon, so there will be plenty of not laughing as well.

“Why white people always wanna split up?”
Oh man, comedy fucking GOLD. Guys, get it? He’s the fun-loving one-liner-spouting black guy that, a victim of circumstance, is forced to interact with a bunch of lame-ass white squares for the duration of the movie — with results that often border on humorous! I’ve never seen that character in a movie before! Could this be ANY more formulaic? Thank you, Jeffrey Reddick, writer of the Final Destination series, you fuckwit hack. What I wouldn’t give to be able to write envelope-pushing, timeless material like that.

In the zombie fan department, it looks like Day will feature those stupid fucking “modern” zombies — the really agile, sprinting, shrieking zombies; the ones that can get hit by a car, do three flips in the air and hit the ground running — which aren’t scary in the traditional zombie sense, but more in the Jurassic Park velociraptor sense. Err…actually they’re not scary at all, since they’re clearly just a shitty contrivance shitty writers came up with to get more shitty jump scares into their shitty 90 minutes.

Every day that I don’t see this film is the best day of my life.

17 Responses to “Hey, Gang! Let’s Ruin Another Franchise!”

  1. Jesse Says:
    January 18th, 2008 at 10:55 pm

    Nick Cannon’s hilarious

  2. Ryan Says:
    January 18th, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    fuck yes bill i love that you still haven’t lost your purest zombie ideals!!! long live slow mindless flesh-eating zombies.

  3. Kyle Says:
    January 19th, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    “Yeah let’s make the zombies run at the speed of sound - there will be sonic booms going off EVERYWHERE! And they can suck blood, oh and whenever they suck blood they get even faster! And they can fly… jumbo jets! And don’t get water on them after midnight or else more zombies will pop off of their backs! And they have bat wings!(30 more minutes of horror movie references)”
    - Bill, 2004

    Best movie review I have ever heard.

  4. zhx Says:
    January 19th, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    Hahaha what? Is that paraphrased from some rant I made somewhere? Musta been around the time the Dawn remake came out, I bitched about that movie for months.

    Excerpts from my written impressions of Dawn, circa 2004:

    Sprinting zombies are fuckin stupid. PERIOD. It’s a weak attempt to raise the movie to the in-your-face level of the other horror movies of this generation to cater to modern audiences that are too dense to understand the horror of classic slow-moving zombies. In many instances, it seemed like the zombies were faster and had better reflexes than the living. DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. Not once did it occur to me that these creatures were dead/resurrected human beings. It may as well have been a “re-envisioning” of 28 Days Later, rather than Dawn of the Dead.

    Oh, I also didn’t like how they screamed. STUPID. It didn’t even sound human. Sckuz said “If they were gonna mess them up that bad, they may as well have given the zombies spider legs.” I’m with him. In an attempt to make zombies “scarier”, they made them NOT zombies. Boooring.

    I’m very passionate about the classical zombie.

  5. Caleb Says:
    January 20th, 2008 at 11:36 am

    Please tell me you’re not hating on 28 Days Later. It’s not a zombie movie and never claims to be.

    You’re going to make me cry, Bill. 28 Days Later was awesome.

  6. Kyle Says:
    January 20th, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    Yeah, you and Tim showed up at Joe’s place with a video camera, ridiculous kitchen antics, and a 45 minute yelling rant about how terrible the Dawn of the Dead remake was. I believe you also mowed Joe’s apartment’s front yard in order to convince the land-lady to let you in.

  7. Chris W. Says:
    January 20th, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    I’ll see you all in hell or sam’s club or walmart or whatever the hell the new agreement is for the great zombie uprising of ‘08. New plan: we let everyone join our fight except for 1) zombies 2) people bitten by zombies and 3) people responsible for fast zombie remakes.

  8. JOEPuD Says:
    January 20th, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    im going to sams club i dont know or care where anyone else is going

  9. zhx Says:
    January 20th, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    No, I liked 28 Days Later.

  10. Ryan Says:
    January 20th, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    fuck. i cant wait for the zombie apocalypse. all my dreams will be answered. i’m gonna look so fucking tough by the way.

  11. Chris W. Says:
    January 21st, 2008 at 6:15 am

    I have a shirt with the sleeves ripped off and some high heels I’ve been saving for the occasion.

  12. Chris W. Says:
    January 21st, 2008 at 6:16 am

    That was what you meant by ‘tough’ right?

  13. Cameron Says:
    January 21st, 2008 at 11:34 am

    i’ll wear my red union pajamas and a coonskin cap

  14. Ryan Says:
    January 21st, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    ummm yes i think so that sounds pretty tough. i was going more along the leather pants line though. but dude theres just something about heels that makes a man feel burly you know.
    P.S.- total SHINFO after posting that last comment i totally had a zombie apocalypse dream. rad.

  15. Ryan Says:
    January 21st, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    P.P.S.- coonskin caps are fucking gangsta!!!

  16. Cameron Says:
    January 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm

    i don’t use my hand for the bitches that i slap
    it’s the raccoon tail from my coonskin cap

    -MC Custer’s Last Stand

  17. Ryan Says:
    January 22nd, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    ……. theres no words.

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