Trying Too Hard: A Case Study
There’s a column in one of Portland’s many alternative publications, The Mercury, into which anonymous people can send rants and raves. Sometimes the column is entertaining — most often it is not.
I like to think I’m a fairly competent bitcher. A good rant strikes a balance between effectively driving a relevant point home with juuuust the right amount of sarcasm, obscenities and elaboration. Over-indulging in one or more of the elements that comprise a good rant fucks the whole thing up and you just look like an idiot. More importantly, the whole thing can’t feel forced, something that writers in I, Anonymous often overlook. Case in point: A submission about vitamin water that’s been eating at the back of my mind for over a month now. The potential for comedy here is great if properly handled by a seasoned cynic with a feel for the art. Sadly, this is not the case.
Hung-over, I stagger to the juice aisle and select an enticing receptacle, anticipating the sweet relief its rich, nectarous contents promise my desiccated membranes. Outside though, I am forced to spit the foul, watery, insipid, liquid into the gutter. What is this acrid, ersatz abomination I was just duped to purchase? Struggling to focus on the label, I am assailed by the repellant phrase “Vitamin Water.” My wrath boils over as I hurl the bottle at a defenseless Vespa. You vile capitalist marketing bitches! Of all the blitheringly idiotic refuse you’ve attempted to ram down our throats this is the worst. Even the crystal Pepsi fad pales beside this egregious affront. Look here, you bioré strip whores, during the siege of Leningrad an entire city survived for 900 days on zoo animals, wallpaper glue and putrefied sheep intestines, and here you are asking us to actually pay for your bland, freakishly colored fucking water? Please. Whatever focus group assented to the proliferation of this monstrosity ought to be thoroughly lashed. You and your spurious fluids are so not invited back in 2008.
You would almost have to be in college to be so stupid. Let’s examine.
Hung-over, I stagger to the juice aisle and select an enticing receptacle, anticipating the sweet relief its rich, nectarous contents promise my desiccated membranes.
By the end of the first sentence, I already hated the author. Being descriptive doesn’t mean making your sentences as cumbersome as possible. It’s almost as if the author typed this up on his/her computer then fed it into some sort of automated thesaurus program, dutifully selecting the options “minimum syllable count: 3″ and “pretentiousness: maximum.” Would the sentence “Thirsty after a night of binge-drinking, I went into a grocery store looking for a bottle of juice” have been any less effective? Immediately the rant is off to a better start, since the reader A: doesn’t roll his eyes and B: doesn’t want to punch you in the throat. Err, I mean in your desiccated membranes.
Outside though, I am forced to spit the foul, watery, insipid, liquid into the gutter. What is this acrid, ersatz abomination I was just duped to purchase?
The thesaurus effect in full swing; nobody would ever actually say acrid or ersatz in normal conversation, let alone right after one another, but the author wouldn’t have totally blown everybody away with his/her command of the English language if he/she had used “disgusting” or “gross.” There are entirely too many adjectives in these two sentences, anyway; “ersatz” seems to have been thrown in just for the sake of using “ersatz” and c’mon — “watery liquid?” Really?
Struggling to focus on the label, I am assailed by the repellant phrase “Vitamin Water.” My wrath boils over as I hurl the bottle at a defenseless Vespa.
This is where we begin to realize that the majority of this little story is made up and/or heavily embellished. Aside from the fact that we have a completely superfluous adjunct — I seriously doubt there was any “struggling” involved in reading the label — “assailed” and “repellent” are just two of the many, many more examples of poorly chosen synonyms to come. On top of this, the author is implying that he/she deemed this particular “receptacle” “enticing” without reading the label, and I’m also positive that nobody’s scooter was sprayed with vitamin water. But that wouldn’t have been as hee-larious a story! It probably went a little more like this:
Author: *Takes sip* Oh, yuck. What is this? *Reads label* Vitamin water? Huh, never getting this again; it’s pretty bad. *Places in garbage can*
or, even more likely:
Author: Well this is gross, but I paid three bucks for it. *Finishes bottle, while fabricating a more outrageous reaction to send into the Mercury*
You vile capitalist marketing bitches! Of all the blitheringly idiotic refuse you’ve attempted to ram down our throats this is the worst. Even the crystal Pepsi fad pales beside this egregious affront.
You can’t be a 20-something in Portland without flexing your socialist nuts at every opportunity. “Oh yeah? *Flips scarf* Well I’m so far left that…*blah blah blah*” Capitalist this, consumer that — we get it. Icing on the cake: a hip pop-culture reference…from fifteen fucking years ago. Man, what was Pepsi thinking?
Look here, you bioré strip whores, during the siege of Leningrad an entire city survived for 900 days on zoo animals, wallpaper glue and putrefied sheep intestines, and here you are asking us to actually pay for your bland, freakishly colored fucking water?
This sentence baffles me. It’s a complete non sequitur that I imagine was included as an afterthought to show that not only is the author keen on clever pop-culture critique, he/she knows something about something that happened in history once. Also, “fucking” is a great modifier…when used properly. In this example “freakishly colored fucking water” sounds like a combination energy drink/aphrodisiac to me. Oh, and if you’re a vile capitalist marketing bitch, that’s my goddamn idea and I want my royalties.
Please. Whatever focus group assented to the proliferation of this monstrosity ought to be thoroughly lashed. You and your spurious fluids are so not invited back in 2008.
Vile Capitalist Marketing Bitches: Well, now that you’ve tried Freakishly Colored Fucking Water™, what do you think?
Focus Group: Yes, we all assent to the proliferation of this monstrosity.
Vile Capitalist Marketing Bitches: Despite our fluid’s spurious qualities?
Focus Group: CEASE THIS FLAGITIOUS INQUISITION! PROLIFERATE! PROLIFERATE!
A friend of mine described the vitamin water rant as “masturbatory,” and I couldn’t have said it better myself. Of course, this was mostly due to the fact that every thesaurus in town had curiously been purchased in the weeks leading up to the publication of the article. Kids — proper bitching comes from within. If you’re going to rant, rant from the heart.
February 6th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Everyone knows that you don’t drink VitaminWater for a hangover. You need ‘Lectrolytes.
You drink VitaminWater because it makes you thug like 50 Cent, and you drink it because in all honesty it tastes pretty fucking good.
So this person is a moron. I would imagine everything must taste like shit when you have too many 5 dollar words stuffed in your throat and you can only wash ‘em down with PBR.
February 6th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
A good rant is an art form, this person needs to get back to the basics.
February 6th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Yes, the three Rs of ranting: Bitterness, Whiskey and Whiskey.
February 6th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
It is pretty tasty
February 6th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Tasty?! The shit tastes like perfume.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
You taste like perfume!!!
February 7th, 2008 at 6:38 am
so does your face
February 9th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I can’t speak for “Vitamin Water,” but I had their energy drink today. Fucking awful. Tastes like that grape Tylenol for children.
February 10th, 2008 at 2:30 am
That’s what I said about Monster. I hate energy drinks.