In Defense of Texting: A Treatise
When cell phone technology was becoming accessible and affordable to Joe Schmoe and not just Johnny Suit, it was the most annoying thing on Earth. Perhaps it was the stigma we attached to the cell phone since, before this time, the only person that could afford them — or had the audacity to consider himself that important — was Johnny Suit. I was embarrassingly anti-cell phone. Seriously, did you REALLY need to be able to be reached 24 hours a day? I was wrong, and I admit it. I’m sure when the horseless carriage came out, only complete pricks owned them. I mean, who else could AFFORD such crazy technology, and honestly, do you need to be in that big of a hurry all the time? The audacity! These days, of course, we take it for granted that everybody drives a car and carries a personal communication device. Anticellphonism may have been hip ten years ago, but now it’s hopelessly outdated. It’s called progress. Humankind does it sometimes.
Now, just because cell phones are ubiquitous doesn’t mean they’re automatically NOT annoying; people are fucking morons and still do annoying things with them, just like cars. I used to think texting was one of these things. For me, texting was to cell phones what bolting a gaudy spoiler to your trunk and peeling out at stoplights is to cars. I came to embrace texting several years ago, and if you still think texting is stupid or pointless, let me tell you why you’re wrong.
Texting has many minor, immediately obvious advantages. The most practical is engaging in conversation where speaking is impossible.
At the bar:
Annoying friend: What u doing 2nite?
You: Going to bed early.At the concert, separated from your party:
Friend: Whered u go?
You: Mosh pit. Plz hlp. Can’t find teeth.At work:
Friend: Meet me out back in 5 mins, I have booze.
You: Thank fucking Christ.
Texting is also a non-committal form of communication. You can text “Drinking tonight?” to 15 people at once and not worry about getting immediate responses. Even if they don’t have their phone on them right at that moment, you can rest assured they’ll get your message at some point. Conversely, you’re also not required to respond to a text and nobody’s feelings are hurt. The text medium also allows for open-ended statements that don’t necessarily elicit a response but need to be broadcast.
Friend: Dude I just ate the biggest fucking hotdog.
The drunk text, an exciting addition to any inbox.
Another useful trick I’ve learned is using texts to communicate something to somebody in the same room as you, without alerting everybody else.
You: This is the most boring party ever, I’m going to fake a seizure, you bring the car around.
or
You: That guy at the punch bowl is a convicted sex offender.
or
Friend: I just shit my pants. Distract everybody while I slip out the back.
Sure, this is all useful, but there’s something inherently magical about texting: Both parties are forced to distill the conversation to its bare minimum. I hate talking on the phone. If I DO, I don’t fuck around. I get the information I need and I get off the phone.
Friend: Hello?
Me: Hey, you wanna go skate?
Friend: Yeah, let’s do it.
Me: Sick, be by in 15.
DONE. That’s a fucking phone call. The problem is, most phone calls can’t be this practical, because most people like to bullshit. Texting on the other hand, by its very nature, eliminates about 90% of bullshit. I mean, people actually SHORTEN “to” and “you.” How much more to the point can you get? And sometimes you just need to get a piece of information that just doesn’t warrant an actual phone call. It’s like email, but shorter and sweeter.
Actual examples from my phone in the past few days:
Friend: Who wrote Duke of Earl?
Me: Gene ChandlerFriend: Hahaha! No more 20 year olds, bill
Me: ForillaFriend: I’m moving next week. you wanna join me and live in utah?
Me: …no.
Sure, nothing profound, but when was the last time you had a fucking profound conversation? It’s a petty form of communication perfectly suited to our petty lifestyles and I’m totally cool with it. That’s right, I just received a text. Roll your eyes all you want; it’s PROBABLY my friend across the table from you telling me he’s sick of your militant anticellphonism. Get used to it, Luddite.
Edit: Anticellphonism - yet another contribution to the English language, compliments of zhx.home. You’re welcome.
March 18th, 2008 at 7:13 am
You might be able to say there’s been progress in technology, I don’t think you can claim the same for humankind…well maybe since neanderthal times there’s been a bit of a change but over the last say about 2000 years? hmmmmmm
March 18th, 2008 at 8:18 am
i hope the anticellphone community knows that you’re a fucking judas
barrrackobama
March 18th, 2008 at 10:59 am
So this is what you were working on last night. Like it…like I said before, I really don’t like blueteeth. The ear piece is ugly and it’s just plain annoying because it seems like people are talking to themselves.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
BARRACKOBAMA!!
March 18th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
So glad to see bluetooth headsets consistently rank at 100. My opinion of someone is instantly effected if I see them wearing one.