Waterboarding My Brain
Generally around this time of year I get pretty gnarly allergies. I don’t know if it’s the change in location or the combination of my regular seasonal allergies and coming down off the business end of whatever has kept me sick for the past month, but this spring it’s much MUCH worse. I feel like a bobblehead with a goldfish bowl full of snot for its head. Since I’ve barely eaten for the past four or five days due to a complete lack of appetite, I’m also not totally sure where my body is acquiring the resources to produce this much mucus. I believe my mucous membranes must be processing raw brain tissue, breaking it down into the endless rivers of snot pouring from my faucet of a face and, as a result, I should be dead by the end of the week.
To drag this slow, miserable death out, I splurged and picked up some allergy medicine this afternoon — opting for the slightly cheaper non-non-drowsy formula — which knocked me out for most of the day. When not in Benadryl-induced coma, I spent most of the day clasping my face and commenting aloud to nobody in particular about how much fun I was having. Something like “AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGCCCCCCCKKKKKKHHHHHHH MYFUCKINGFAAAAAACEWHYHAVEYOUFORSAKENMEGODAAAGGGHHH.”
Several days ago, one of my roommates suggested the use of a device called a neti pot. It’s basically a little watercan with a spout just big enough to stuff in your nostril, through which you run lukewarm saltwater; he had picked it up at a health store. I had never heard of such a thing, and it sounded like middle-eastern new-age health nut tomfoolery to me. “Riiiight, I’ll use your neti pot,” I thought to myself, “Right after I get back from my tantric sex seminar, drop a couple tabs and focus my sinus shakra.” Well… I wasn’t THAT skeptical, I guess. It’s just that I’ve gotten water in my nose before and I wasn’t in the biggest of hurries to do it intentionally and/or for a long period of time.
So tonight since my eyeballs felt like they were threatening to explode from their sockets, I finally caved and decided that even drowning would be preferable and I’d give the neti a shot. Aside from the fact that you look and feel extremely stupid while using it, it’s not as uncomfortable or unpleasant as you would imagine. In fact, it’s not really unpleasant at all, once you get your head to an angle at which you AREN’T drowning yourself, which is fairly simple. Water goes straight in one nostril and out the other without draining down your throat (again, permitting you’re at the right angle) and you don’t really notice what’s going on. It’s a weird sensation, but really quite invigorating as it clears out all the dust, pollen, dried blood, feces, sand, old cocaine, bits of grass, the queen and all her eggs from your head. I was able to breathe clearly (nasally, no less) for quite a while afterwards and an enormous amount of pressure was relieved. Apparently the results are much more evident after sustained use for a couple days, as well. It hopefully should get me through the last of this sickness and the rest of this spring.
Oh, plus Oprah likes them and she’s a godzillionaire. So there ya go.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Dammit, I’ve actually made fun of videos of this thing before just because it looks so damn ridiculous. I don’t need YOU trying to give it street cred.
April 12th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Everybody at National Jewish Hospital (#1 respiratory hospital in America!!!) swears by those nasal wash products.
April 12th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I’m not pleased that I now live with two people that spray water in their nostrils for a good time. This blows.
April 12th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
You will see Nick, it’s either you or Maria next.
April 12th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
This guy gives neti pots all the street cred they need.
April 27th, 2008 at 6:43 am
In a word from the master wordsmith that is the Comic Book Guy “funniest blog comment post ever”