This Whole Town is Fucking Nuts, Example 15,643
It was a long week. I live literally five minutes from work, but have been staying in town with my special lady friend which, between skate time to the train station and the train ride itself, adds up to about a 40 minute commute to work every day. Actually… this information is irrelevant; I don’t need a goddamn excuse. I FUCKING HATE GETTING UP IN THE MORNING. I’ve been braindead since I started work, and I just can’t seem to catch up on sleep. I’m sure you can understand my excitement to go to bed early on Saturday and basically sleep all day Sunday (which is my only day off til training is finished up).
I had peacefully been sleeping for about 45 minutes when I was awoken by something between a ruckus and a hullabaloo. I heard…whooping. Groggy but exceedingly curious, I sat up in bed and parted the blinds, looking down on Burnside from my sixth-story vantage point. I am currently the world record holder for “takes” for a single experience. I did a thirty-seven take, I’m pretty sure.
*Cue Wicked Witch of the West theme music*
The streets were filled with hundreds…no, thousands of cyclists… all completely naked. I was confused at first, until I remembered I now live in Portland and nothing has to make any fucking sense in this town. I had my camera, but didn’t think this could possibly last long enough for me to throw on clothes and take the elevator down to the street, but as I kept watching it became clear it wasn’t going to end any time soon. At first I thought maybe a couple hundred people were just circling the block but, again, this is Portland and sometimes you just gotta put your brain on cruise control and accept what you’re seeing. This was definitely a streaking cyclist procession of biblical proportion. I hurriedly got dressed to head downstairs cuz, you know, boobies and stuff.
Still groggy, I reached street level a short few minutes later where Cameron (he lives in the same building now, remember) had also come out to investigate. This nude bike run held up traffic for, no hyperbole, at least 20 minutes. I was so completely out of my head that I didn’t even realize I was shooting my camera in full manual mode without actually operating any of the buttons (…?), and I’m really surprised I got anything to turn out at all, since by all rights none of these should have exposed properly.
After they passed, Cameron and I headed to his apartment to have a beer until the cyclists’ slightly less enthusiastic return trip. We returned to the sidewalk with all the other spectator creeps where Cameron gave both his beer and a cigarette to one of the participants. There was something understandably surreal about watching your friend give a sweaty naked guy on a ten-speed a light. I shot Cameron a look that conveyed either “What the fuck” or “What…the fuck.” I was tired, so I don’t really remember.
“What?” He shrugged, “I can’t say no to a naked man.”
June 17th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Oh sure, a bunch of naked men on bikes and you don’t get any good shots!
June 17th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I think she’s referring to a picture of “the goods”.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Ugh. Mom. Seriously.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
all i know was that the guy i talked to looked like he was sitting on a thumb nestled in a pug’s face
June 17th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Now Chris, I do believe you’re making me blush AND I totally grossed out my son, my day is complete.
June 18th, 2008 at 5:55 am
Thumb nestled on a pug’s face…
oh brother
June 18th, 2008 at 10:46 am
I’m curious, who do you suppose it’s more uncomfortable for, the guys or the gals? It’s too bad you weren’t prepared for this, you and Cameron could have done a survey.
June 18th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
man o man, look at all those almost, but not at all nude cyclists! how about next time ya dont bore my brains out? ok DOUCHE BAG!
Denis Leary