J-dog Takes the Blue Line
I found this card on the train about a week ago. On the back is some vague bullshit about the fact that I’m forgiven for something I’m pretty sure I never did.
The best part about this card is I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell it is trying to convey. I spent a good portion of the train ride home trying to decipher the painting’s meaning. Here’s a couple possible interpretations of my own:
• Jesus is a fearsome vampire and killed this vampire hunter (a middle-class dad, circa 1995) just before he could drive a stake through vampire Jesus’ heart
• A clumsy carpenter — or a gardener who uses the wrong tools, in either case a middle-class dad, circa 1995 — has injured himself with his giant spike and mallet, fainting from loss of blood. Jesus is carrying him, very awkwardly, to a nearby clinic
• Jesus, a confused junior high girl, is experiencing his first period. His middle-class dad (circa 1995) who was busy hanging family photos in the living room (where they also have their garden) with a giant mallet and spike, has fainted, overwhelmed with emotion as a result of the realization that his little girl Jesus is growing up.
Try it yourself, it’s pretty fun.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Dude,
It’s the everyman blue collar worker, worn out from crucifying diamond J, but he’s still all like “It’s cool dog…let’s hug.”
July 28th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Whatever the hell is going on, it definitely looks like somebody is about to receive Jesus, if you follow me.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
jesus is a caveman and is draging his new mate to his cave
July 28th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
jesus is the singing lead vocals for the band lynard skynard who are an angel band and this guy passed out in the front row so jesus grabbed him so he wouldnt get trampled by the audience
July 28th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
jesus is trying to rip the carpenter’s heart out KALI MA style because he built a table with four chairs and the craftsmanships is godlike
July 29th, 2008 at 12:30 am
amazing painting, to bad that artist talents are going to waste.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:27 am
a man finally coming to grips with his homosexuality tries to ensnare Jesus into a relationship by breaking his legs with a mallet (who doesn’t pity date a cripple these days?) and it works! Jesus is such a sucker for the stumbly-wumblies
July 29th, 2008 at 5:42 am
Jesus and the dude are playing the trust game
July 29th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Jesus knocked the guy out and is dragging the body to stuff in a locker a la Metal Gear.
July 29th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
A middle class dad secure enough in his sexuality to wear a pink shirt after labor day is playing croquet in the garden. Unaware that his vampire hunting roots are about to come back to haunt him, he attempts the risky “360″ or the bicycle kick of croquet. During his spin, he spots Jesus hiding in the bushes with a railroad spike. Jesus, realizing the jig is up and it’s now or never, flings the spike through the air at our still falling through the air hero. With ninja agility and grace, the soccer dad plucks the rocketing spike from the air and reveals that it’s “all in the reflexes” just as he rises from the ground. The two ancient enemies charge each other and collide, the resulting sonic boom leaves nothing standing but the lillies for three blocks. The only man able to move, Jesus, stands and picks up his victim to penetrate in a victory celebration a la Vinny Testeverde of the Dallas Cowboys in ‘88.
July 29th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I just wanted to use a la in a sentence a la Rob.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Jesus has finished reenacting Weekend at Bernie’s 1 and 2 scene by scene and decides to make up Part 3 as he goes along.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Wow. A LOT of these responses totally killed me, hahaha
July 30th, 2008 at 11:32 am
stumbly-wumblies is a way good band name
July 30th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I like Chris’ response the best, but you all are wrong.
It is obviously Sam Beckett! I mean look at him for Christ’s sake. He is about to leap, but Jesus is holding him back from doing so because he doesn’t want him to leave yet.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
they are brothers trying to scam the vatican by making one of them the fake reincarnation of jesus, only when his bro stakes his hands, they find out that he REALLY IS JESUS. fainting from being the brother of the son of god, brother-jesus drags him silently into the night.
the movie will either be called So My Uncle’s A Space God! or Brothers in Faith, depending on how weepy the ending is.
possible tagline: sometimes belief is beyond belief.
July 30th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I was gonna say earlier…It does look a bit like Scott Bakula. He totally leaped into Jesus’ body.
Oh Boy!
July 30th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Quantum Leaped? Quantum Lept? You decide, I’m still a moron.
July 31st, 2008 at 6:20 am
Clearly, our middle-aged dad has OD’d since he couldn’t find the right size syringe. Fortunately, J, having just completed community college in the all-popular male nurse program, was standing by (hasn’t he heard of the new life-style print scrubs?) to cart him off to ER. The kids are gonna need serious psychiatric treatment over this. Hey, this *IS* fun!
July 31st, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I am positive that it is Mike Rowe fainting from his dirtiest job yet… BEING THE KING OF MEN!
August 1st, 2008 at 4:25 pm
that is dirty
August 1st, 2008 at 10:28 pm
he cares a lot